I think it’s important for families to be able to share and learn from the experiences of other families. This section of blogs gives parents the opportunity to share experiences that I think could be valuable to others. Examples like this one are used regularly in my workshops. They’re intended for discussion and study. If we do it right, it also minimizes future drama for all of us.

Here’s an exchange between a mom and her daughter’s club soccer coach. Mom is sharp, has very good values and has been through club sports and college recruitment with a previous child. The coach has a very high level athletic background. Aside from the main issue, there are many other valuable topics and sub-plots in this lengthy, wordy exchange.

From: John Owens
Subject: Re: Eileen’s Soccer
To: Carol Johnson
Cc: Jim Miner

Hello Carol,

Hope all is going well with you. I am reaching out regarding some rumors going around and in the past i have been able to have honest conversation with you and wanted to reach out to you before i send an email about Eileen’s High School Coach and her club.

The past few weeks I have been hearing that Eileen might be leaving the Bombers because her coach is telling her to leave if she wants to get exposure. I have never stopped a player what wants to leave the club but this message that Kathy is giving is Eileen i believe is something that crosses the ethical line for and adult dealing with player of such age. I will give a little back ground and why i believe I need to say something this time.

Around this time last year Mendon Valley had another Bombers player a 9th grader make varsity. Rumor started to spread that Kathy was telling the player and her family to leave the Bombers if they wanted exposure. Both Jim and I try not to listen to rumor and focus and developing the players we have so we did not say anything and let it be. When the season started the player what was in question decided to leave the Bombers which is fine players can leave anything but when she called me to tell me why she was leaving she mentioned that she had been told by Kathy to leave the Bombers for either of two other teams. Not only was i shocked to find out that this was not a rumor that we were hearing from the previous fall but a fact i found myself wondering the soccer landscape in the past. This was a player I personally went out of the way to work with to improve her game and in the end the reason for leaving was not that we did not develop her or she was not happy but because a High School coach who has had zero impact on her development told her to leave the club.

Few this that I found worrisome was that Kathy runs her own club. if she told the players to come to her club because she was going to develop them and give them exposure what ever that mean i would be fine with it but not she is telling players to leave the Bombers because she does not want to see the Bombers succeed.

Second this year they have 8 bomber player and if you could those we had had developed for at least two year then Mendon Valley has 10 Bombers players on varsity and estimating that they will end up with between 14-16 bombers players next year. It show that we are doing something right.

The past few weeks i have been hearing that Kathy is having a similar conversation with Eileen and the information is starting to spread. Like I said i have no issue if a player wants to leave the club but what i found crossing the line is a a high school coach telling players to leave our club for other clubs when she runs her own club.

Kathy coaches a u13 team that is supposed to be good and i found myself asking how many of those players and families is she telling to leave my team and her team for others so that they can get exposure. In asking this question i came to the realization that her intent is not a positive one.

I have decided to call her out on this as i believe this is crossing the line for many reasons. First Eileen is in 8th grade i am not sure if she even know what high school she want to go to let alone thinking about exposure for college. I have seen a thousands of players like Eileen fall of because they started believing in the hype around them. As a talked to you about when she wanted to tryout out for high school that two things will happen if she makes varsity. She will start to believe she is is the best and will no longer listen when she come to club soccer as she she will use making varsity at such a young age as her reference point or she will come back from high school soccer and work even harder based on the deference she saw in her game compared to her HS team mate.

I have talked to you enough to know that Eileen is a humble kid and i see how you deal with all your kids but I believe what Kathy is telling her is something that honestly might slow down her development. I have been to four of their HS game and i have seen Eileen lose the ball and not be held accountable. This for a young player is what i call the danger zone and they start to believe they are untouchable and eventually their teammates start to treat them differently.

Sorry for the long email but i wanted to reach out to ask if Eileen has mentioned this conversations with you or if you have have been told to leave the Bombers so that you can have exposure. I know this to be something she has told bombers players i the past and i intend to reach out to her and her club as to why she she is telling Bombers players to leave and she is not telling kids that she coaches similar age to Eileen to leave if they want exposure.

I have cc Jim on this email so that he know that i reached out before i reach out to both Kathy, her team and the League regarding this troubling pattern from Kathy.

Please feel free to give me a call.

Thanks,

John Owens

John,

First of all, I can imagine it is hard to lose players. You work so hard and invest so much. I get that it is disappointing.

The conversation that got back to you, I was present for. It has been mischaracterized to you. I am dissapointed because I only spoke to one person about the conversation…so, I will be talking to that person. I am not one for drama and rumors so I don’t particularly want to get embroiled in something with Kathy who I spoke with one on one for the first time last week. I would appreciate that if you and Jim feel you need to address this issue because of other players who have left, then feel free to do so, but do not mention Eileen. I will be really disappointed if some rumor mill complicates this experience for eileen. Please don’t fuel the fire.

The conversation Kathy and I had was really nice. I introduced myself again because I had only spoken to her briefly one other time and I have only been to 2 halves this season because the beginning of the year is crazy. She only recently discovered that our other kids go to a different high school. She was curious where eileen might go. I told her we didn’t know and that was honest. I told her that I felt awkward that Eileen made the varsity bc we haven’t been a Mendon Valley family to date and my first reaction was to feel sad for the kids (in particular eileen’s older sister’s best friend who is at our house all the time) who didn’t make it. I was not the parent gunning for varsity. I was in Boise Idaho at the time and was under the impression several bombers players were trying out. Eileen hoped she’d be good enough to make JV. That was her goal. I had no idea that 12 varsity players graduated last year. All is history now.

Kathy was nice. She did not pressure us about HS. She did know that Eileen played for bombers and she said that she had been trained well. She did not disparage bombers to me. She asked what eileen’s goals were and if at some point it would make sense to be on a higher level team. I asked her what teams have that distinction. She mentioned one. I said that even if Eileen wanted that, we would never drive her there and we both laughed! I told her that my older son got offers to play all over the cities on elite AAU teams and we turned them all down because I couldn’t manage the distance. He had to wait until he could drive. She said that would be fine if Eileenn waited til she was older to try that or not do it at all. It was a casual conversation. It was not a tactical mission trying to extract Eileen from bombers.

As for Eileen being big headed and not listening to club input…you forget who she is if you’re worried about that! She is typical Eileen in this varsity experience…hard on herself and worried she is not doing well enough. We talked the other night about her foot skills and her concern she might be losing them. I talked to Jim about that at Victor’s game. I also told Jim that with my limited soccer eyes I felt MV did not execute their offense at this point as well as bombers teams I have seen. That is not a rip on MV. It’s challenging to bring a bunch of young players together with different training and have it go well. So they have lost a lot…hardly an environment to get a big head.

John, Eileen looks up to you a lot. She aims to please you and wants to work hard for you and Jim. Think carefully before you involve her and complicate this experience for her.

I really appreciate you giving me a heads up. When Sports becomes political it bums me out. Parents foment so much of it for their own agendas. The roll allen and I have played as parents for our kids to date has been to try in small ways to put the breaks on sports. That is why eileen isn’t doing select. That is why eileen hasn’t been allowed to travel as much. I have really appreciated how bombers has supported allen and I in this. Thank you.

Can I guarantee eileen will stay with bombers forever? No. But I can tell you that that ever so brief encounter with Kathy has nothing to do with that. I will always evaluate what I think is best for Eileen and, of course, she gets to weigh in on what she wants as well. For now, leaving isn’t even remotely on the radar.

I told both of you last year that Eileen was showing signs of burnout. That really concerned me at her young age knowing how passionate she is about soccer. I wanted your to help guide me to what would be the best situation for her to mitigate burnout. Tryout out for MV soccer was part of that plan.

So that is the truth from where I stand. Please let me know how you intend to proceed so we can be prepared.

Thanks John,

Carol

Hello Carol,

Thank for getting back to me what I heard was by accident. I coached the u15 girls on Saturday and because it was hot the girls were inter the tree and I arrived at the game field late someone a player mentioned it that Eileen might not be coming back based on what they are head and I over head it then they realized I was behind them.

It was the same way the player way I head a conversation regarding the player who left last year.

This is why I reached out to you because I have many conversations with you regarding just sports in general. I honestly do not care about losing a player it actually mean I did my job. What got me concern is a coach telling a player to leave one club for another which I found to be wrong. I did not know you had a conversation I wanted to find out if she is telling Eileen this and second to make sure I am ahead of this.

Once again to lose a player is not a big deal for me or Jim we enjoy working with player and developing them which means in most case when we get them they are no where near being an elite player.

I am not one for the politics either that is why I coach at a small club. And I will not involve Eileen. If some player not in high school are talking about a player maybe not coming back they get distracted and last year in the same situation I handled it differently and did not reach out to the family which this time I decided due to the relationship we have was best to do to ask if this is what Eileen was told.

Yes, I know Eileen she not one for the big head background history tells me that this why I said two way players handle these type of things. They either feel they have reached the top or they work even harder. I will bet my money on her that she is the ladder.

If you had a conversation with coach than my approach will be different. Because I head players talking about it I thought it was a conversation Eileen had with Kathy and she shared with others. Which I get she will mention to you.

I shared with Jim what I heard and wanted me to do what i felt was best as I transition into the director of coaching at the club and have to deal with situations like this.

Thanks for getting back to me. And I will let you know how I plan to address this with Kathy as I still believe it was inappropriate for her do take her first introduction to you in such directions. Once okay but this the third time over all that she done this with players I have worked with at the bombers though in the past she told the players directly who then told me that is why they are leaving the club.

Thanks

John

Hi John,

I do now know the source of how you found out. That parent point blank admitted that he went to you and told you. He was aware of past people leaving and took it upon himself to warn you about this conversation. He spoke out of place having only heard it secondhand from his wife. He turned something neutral into something regrettable.

I again want to reiterate that I do not want eileen or us to be involved with anything you discuss with Kathy. I also don’t want it to be vaguely implied that Kathy made a suggestion to a current player. That was not my experience in the context of our conversation. To tell kathy otherwise would be a distortion of the truth. Using this situation to address past grievances can only serve to complicate Eileen’s relationship with MV. If that happens, I think it will complicate her feelings about bombers. I don’t want either of those eventualities.

I hope you understand where I am coming from. I hope you know we appreciate all your investment in eileen. I attribute her ability to have this experience at mv directly to the investment you and Jim have made in her. I am grateful for that and have thought that in my heart many times. Soccer and your belief in her has enriched her life and her confidence.

I also hope that, even though I have taken a rather firm stance on this particular exchange, that it doesn’t shut down communication in the future between us. I really enjoy you, I value your soccer acumen, and I especially appreciate the unique perspective you bring from the life you have led.

I am grateful that you brought this to my attention. I hope you would do that in the future. I will do the same and promise to lead with honesty.

With respect,

Carol

Carol,

Thanks for reaching back out. I know the soccer environment and how this work. It drove me to quit coaching two time in the past before meeting Jim and what he stands for when it come to the game and developing players. In the past when these things happened i did not have the same relationships with those players parents as i do with you so i could not reach out to them and have an open conversation as we are having now and in the end it distracted the team and divided which affected the teams performance. My parents always say if something happens once let it go a second time you have to question and if it happens a third time you have to believe that whoever is doing it does not have the best interest at heart and you have to confront them. Eileen will be the 3rd blast player that Kathy has this conversation. My natural instincts is to confront her her and ask why she feels the need to to keep telling Bomber players to look at other programs for exposure.

I don’t mind players leaving if they find a better fit out there we are not the club for everyone but when people go out of their way to make such comment which for you, not knowing how the soccer world works might seem like a simple conversation but for me I know the intentions and have history to back it up.

I work as a scout for the local North American Soccer League team. I also scout for colleges coaches looking for player but I keep it to myself because i know how colleges coaches scout players. In their world those that seek them are the ones they ignore and don’t want, those that do end up at the highest level what ever that may be are normally found via referral from coaches and scouts who one does not even know knew about them. Take for example the top boys player Henry Everson. I have had many coaches reach out and ask what i thought of him and my recommendations which I gave before he decided to commit to one of the top five D1 programs in the country. He does not know who I am but i know who he is and he came to my attention through a referral and i have been watching him from a distance for a year and half. This is how the soccer world works at least and i find it frustrating when people talk about exposure and a player is a D1 level without know what it actually takes to reach there.

I had the chance to talk to Jim today as he has allowed me to make decision as to how i want to handle this before he give his input and his view is to leave it alone and continue to focus on what we are doing and what we stand for. He has done this longer than me and he is my mentor and i have decided to take his advise. The other reason is also the fact that i hate the politics of soccer and this could turn into something that it is not which will impact the kids who are the main reason I coach in the first place.

This will not impact our relationship and I will do as i have done in the past. I will let you know if Eileen is falling off or if she is doing what is being asked of her. Me wanting to talk to Kathy had nothing to do with you or Eileen but more as to why she continues to feel that it is her role to have such conversations. I am very particular in making sure i know the lines to the point of not wanting to talk to the girls when i come to watch their High School game. I show up to support them and do my best to leave before the game finishes. Parents i talk to but we want to have the kids enjoy their time from club soccer and try to limit our interactions with them when they are away from club soccer.

To me this matter is close and will move on and focus my energy on working with players and helping them improve not only as soccer player but well rounded individuals. Thanks for the open conversation as always.

Thanks.

John